We have all heard the expression, “I will take care of you, if you take care of me”. It’s a lovely expression that fills the heart with bubbles and happiness because it just sounds like that is how it is meant to be. Finding someone in the context of a relationship and love who will take care of you sounds marvelous, it is however, completely incorrect.
For the duration of my previous relationship, my partner always said that we have to make sure that we are 100% so that we can give 100%. In my mind, I always thought that giving 100% was me being 100%. Regardless of the situation or my state of being, if I have 100% then I was operating at that level. How terribly wrong of me, a big mistake and assumption to make.
My dearest friend and mentor put what my partner was saying, into such sharp perspective, “I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.” That is when I got the message that my partner at the time was trying to tell me. The proverbial penny dropped and my mind opened up to the lesson. If I take care of myself, handling work, family commitment, finical commitments and life admin, if I can get those items managed and taken care of to the best of my ability, then I will not be bringing any stress or distraction into my relationship and have the time and energy to focus as close to 120% as I can to that dynamic, to combined goals and aspirations – to making us a better functioning and loving unit.
What is the point of rushing home early from work, only to be stressed the whole evening about a deadline that you need to deliver tomorrow? Will your partner not appreciate and understand if you put those extra 2 hours in that evening and spend time with him/her without that invisible pressure and force on you? I believe so. I never understood that until recently. The same applies for the individuals passions and hobbies, their alone time where they can do the activities that they enjoy or spend time with their friends. I get it now. Finally.
Another mistake I made, to my own detriment was to not share my personal struggles with my partner and even friends or family. Because they were my issues and challenges, I chose to be quite and internalize, to prove to myself that I can handle it myself. The result of which was me being lost in my head, with my friends asking why I am so quiet and isolating myself and with my partnering having insecurities because I am not myself. Sharing your problems, talking about them, vocalizing them, is part of taking care of yourself. To share a problem with someone you love, not expecting an answer or help, just for them to listen, can help in itself. Your loved ones will understand what you are going through and have more sympathy and empathy for your situation, and will change their actions and behaviours accordingly - to make it easier for you.
Throughout my research of this particular lesson, there is a common pitfall that I have discovered – when you focus so much on taking care of yourself, that you forget you have a partner who needs you too. Apparently this is common, and usually ends in some form of hurt. There is a fine line to tread, between taking care of yourself and focusing entirely on yourself and still compromising and sacrificing what you need for the better of your partner. The quote reads, “Every now and then, you must willingly cancel your plans, adapt your needs – to make sure that you are there for your loved ones. If you are not able to identify that need, you are not interested in the wellbeing of your partner. They need you as you need them.” That is very true isn’t it, if you focus entirely on yourself and taking care of only yourself, then you will lose interest in others, friends, family or loved ones – even your children. You need to see, understand and feel the needs of those who need you and adapt accordingly.
The way I gather it – is finding common releases with friends, family or partner. Something that you can do together, that fulfils both souls and needs for release and bonding. Go to a museum together, go for cooking classes or even go for a hike, watch a movie or even lay in bed late and talk.
A distraction from the distractions in life.
Give to yourself as you give to others.
“I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.”
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