Lesson 4 – Active participant

“In this world there are many things that you cannot control, what you can control and what you can change is how you react to it.”

As children, we are spectators to our lives. We get given clothes, we get told what to do, what to eat, who our friends are – all by our parents who know better. We are absolved of responsibility. If something goes wrong, then we have our parents to blame, because they made the decision for us.

Yet as we grow older, and we are given more responsibility, we become drivers in our lives – we try and find excuses and others to blame when something goes wrong. How can we otherwise, we have always had someone else to blame for our mistakes. It is very easy and comfortable to shift blame for something that has gone wrong – because then we are not responsible and don’t have to be accountable.

I recently listened to an audio book series called “No Excuses!” by Brian Tracy, where he speaks about taking responsibility for your life, for the mistakes you make. He allows you to see that you are an active participant in every step you take, every decision you make and every good or bad outcome from those decisions. For everything, good or bad, that happens in your life, you have a level of responsibility to accept and own and a change to make within yourself.

He does go on to clarify, that you cannot take full and sole responsibility for everything that is happening in your life, in particular the painful experiences. That is not fair on you as a person, as you are not 100% responsible for everything that may happen to you. You as person has to understand the situation, the cause and effect, and be self-aware and mature enough to take accountability for the role that you played in that. You cannot be expected to take any more responsibility than what is yours.

For every moment of pain caused, or pain caused to another. Joy experienced or given to another. You have actively participated in that pain. You have played a roll. You have to accept that. Learn from it. Grow. Make yourself better. It is so easy to try and justify your actions or blame others or situations for your actions, particularly the unpleasant ones, but ultimately, you bare some of the responsibility. Be grown up and accept it, change it. Control what you can control.

When I was faced with my biggest fear (Lesson 1), I had to take a good look and accept the responsibility for the role that I played in that – and apologize for my actions that caused hurt and contributed to the breakup. Which I did. It created a feeling of freedom and control in my own life, something that cannot be bought or lent from another – true self-acceptance and responsibility.

I have been an active participant in the creation of my life up to this point. There is no-one else to blame, no-one else who is responsible, no past that has dictated (Lesson 2). It is all me, every action and reaction to every situation has all been in my control all along.

I have to understand the actions and reactions. The cause and effect. I have to be responsible for my life. 

It is the only way to grow.