Lesson 8 - Tears water you soul

Being an emotional person, and growing up in a house hold where emotions were encouraged – I learned the true power of crying early in my life. Tears of joy and tears of sadness – even tears from cutting onions. There is a release that comes with crying, it is a silent trigger that allows your soul to let go of what is causing hurt and pain and to process and deal. It is a magical thing.

Yes it makes your eyes all red, and your cheeks puffy, but when you have done crying over the pain, the smile that follows is possibly the brightest. Never in my life have I experienced pain and hurt like the last few months, and I promise you, the tears that I have cried, the drops of precious liquid that fell to the floor is what gave me strength. My tears said something that my heart was feeling, it expressed something I could not write down.

In heartache, disappointment or love – tears prove to you, what your intentions are. What your heart is really about, and if fighting for what you want is really worth it. If you do not shed a tear at a bitter disappointment or heartache, then you know that you did not truly invest yourself - it is the barometer of emotional commitment. “Laughter gives you a reason to hope. Tears give you a reason to fight.”

Never be ashamed to cry. Never hold back the tears that are at the edge of release. You are doing yourself a big injustice. Those tears speak messages, they are the expressions of the soul. They should never be denied or ignored. They are pure and blessed. Each drop is a gift. Cry until you are done, cry until there are no more tears for that moment – then you know that you have released a part of the sadness and pain. When you are ready, cry again – over and over, until nothing but laughter remains. Then you will be free from the hurt and pain (Lesson 5).

“Do not try to approach God with your thinking mind. It may only stimulate your intellectual ideas, activities, and beliefs. Try to approach God with your crying heart. It will awaken your soulful, spiritual consciousness”. - Sri Chinmoy

Happy tears on the reverse is possibly the greatest expression of joy and happiness. Laughter that becomes tears of absolute elation. These are very rare and often unseen, but when they do happen hey, embrace it, cry without shame at the sheer overwhelming feeling of joy you are experiencing. The happiness that fills your heart and fulfills your soul.

Dear reader, I believe in the power of my tears, the power of my emotion and feelings, feel with purpose (Lesson 3), never use tears as a weapon and never see tears as weakness or emotional abuse. Understand the words that the heart and soul are saying with each tear.

I have found that often a seed of love gets waters by the tears of the soul.

Lesson 7 – Take care of yourself

We have all heard the expression, “I will take care of you, if you take care of me”. It’s a lovely expression that fills the heart with bubbles and happiness because it just sounds like that is how it is meant to be. Finding someone in the context of a relationship and love who will take care of you sounds marvelous, it is however, completely incorrect.

For the duration of my previous relationship, my partner always said that we have to make sure that we are 100% so that we can give 100%. In my mind, I always thought that giving 100% was me being 100%. Regardless of the situation or my state of being, if I have 100% then I was operating at that level. How terribly wrong of me, a big mistake and assumption to make.

My dearest friend and mentor put what my partner was saying, into such sharp perspective, “I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.” That is when I got the message that my partner at the time was trying to tell me. The proverbial penny dropped and my mind opened up to the lesson. If I take care of myself, handling work, family commitment, finical commitments and life admin, if I can get those items managed and taken care of to the best of my ability, then I will not be bringing any stress or distraction into my relationship and have the time and energy to focus as close to 120% as I can to that dynamic, to combined goals and aspirations – to making us a better functioning and loving unit.

What is the point of rushing home early from work, only to be stressed the whole evening about a deadline that you need to deliver tomorrow? Will your partner not appreciate and understand if you put those extra 2 hours in that evening and spend time with him/her without that invisible pressure and force on you? I believe so. I never understood that until recently. The same applies for the individuals passions and hobbies, their alone time where they can do the activities that they enjoy or spend time with their friends. I get it now. Finally.

Another mistake I made, to my own detriment was to not share my personal struggles with my partner and even friends or family. Because they were my issues and challenges, I chose to be quite and internalize, to prove to myself that I can handle it myself. The result of which was me being lost in my head, with my friends asking why I am so quiet and isolating myself and with my partnering having insecurities because I am not myself. Sharing your problems, talking about them, vocalizing them, is part of taking care of yourself. To share a problem with someone you love, not expecting an answer or help, just for them to listen, can help in itself. Your loved ones will understand what you are going through and have more sympathy and empathy for your situation, and will change their actions and behaviours accordingly - to make it easier for you.

Throughout my research of this particular lesson, there is a common pitfall that I have discovered – when you focus so much on taking care of yourself, that you forget you have a partner who needs you too. Apparently this is common, and usually ends in some form of hurt. There is a fine line to tread, between taking care of yourself and focusing entirely on yourself and still compromising and sacrificing what you need for the better of your partner. The quote reads, “Every now and then, you must willingly cancel your plans, adapt your needs – to make sure that you are there for your loved ones. If you are not able to identify that need, you are not interested in the wellbeing of your partner. They need you as you need them.” That is very true isn’t it, if you focus entirely on yourself and taking care of only yourself, then you will lose interest in others, friends, family or loved ones – even your children. You need to see, understand and feel the needs of those who need you and adapt accordingly.

The way I gather it – is finding common releases with friends, family or partner. Something that you can do together, that fulfils both souls and needs for release and bonding. Go to a museum together, go for cooking classes or even go for a hike, watch a movie or even lay in bed late and talk.

A distraction from the distractions in life.

Give to yourself as you give to others.

“I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.”

Lesson 6 – Change. Do things differently

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results - Albert Einstein
I touched briefly about change in Lesson 5. However it is a topic that I think deserves more – it is a lesson that was learned with much research and guidance.

As Einstein put it, doing the same thing over and over, expecting the same results is exactly the definition of insanity. How can the same task, same action and same routine yield different results? When you want something different to happen in life, love or work, do you not have to do something different? Do you not have to change routine, change habit – do something different to obtain a different result? When you want to achieve something at work that you have never done, a new position or role, do you not have to then change and start amending your life to that new role? To you not have to learn and grow and become that which you want to become eventually?

Change is required from all of us, on a daily basis. Our views, opinions and even our characters get shaped and altered every day – without us even knowing. Situation can inspire change, the need to adapt to fit into surroundings. Change is everywhere, and if you chose to ignore it, if you chose to stay the same person always – then you will remain the same person, in the same life, in the same surroundings and environment for your whole life. There will be nothing different, because nothing has been allowed to change. If your marriage / relationship is failing, yet you keep doing the same things, the same actions and steps – how will it ever be different? It will continue to fail.

Change is something that most people I have encountered, do not take very well. Some are very open to change, however, are only willing to change in certain aspects of their life, but not others. I do not believe that morals, values and beliefs should change daily – those are fundamental to our existence and substance of our soul. That being said they are not immovable objects and a change for the positive, I would personally, encourage. Do not fear change, embrace it. To not hide from change, run from change or try and be in control of change – allow it to happen, allow yourself to grow and become a better person. Never be afraid to admit your flaws, to see inside yourself and know what you are doing wrong – then have the courage to change those things. What is the harm? A bit of a bruised ego maybe, but eventually that too will be bolstered when you become an even better person than before.

In work, friendship, relationships and even parenthood, you give and get given constant feedback on behavior, quality of work etc. Constructive criticism is the only way you learn to become someone else. Do not crumble when given feedback, to not mope or cry or feel useless, stand proud and stand tall and accept the feedback and understand that it will only make you a better person if you chose to change. If you do not accept the feedback given by a manager on your work/behaviour, you cannot expect to get advancement, can you? No, a company is not going to give someone an opportunity if they do not show the potential to change and grow. If a partner tells you that your actions are hurting them, and you chose not to change that action, what will the result be? More hurt.

The change that you become is the future that you can have. It is an endless possibility, an endless amount of futures that are ahead of you. Your change as quickly as you make a decision, which changes your future. Just think about how many decisions you make on a daily basis? How many of those are changing you and effecting your future? Is that future the one that you want? Is that decision the right one for you? The minute that you desire something that you have never had, that loving relationship that you crave, that dream job, that house in the Hamptons – you have to change, do things differently to achieve that goal. Change yourself for the better, let go of the past, let go of the ego and comfort zone of what you knew and change to achieve that goal.

Change is truly the only constant in life.

How are you doing to change today, to make tomorrow better? To make yourself better?

Just remember, nothing changes, if nothing changes.

Lesson 5: Understand. Accept. Forgive. Let go. Change

This lesson, feels to me as one of the most difficult lessons to learn. It is so simple to say, almost rhythmical – yet the act of following these steps are so difficult.

There have been many things in my life, where I had to apply this lesson – many occasions, some more painful than others, yet the result was always the same. Letting go, gives you freedom and perspective that you did not have before, and that alone, can help you to understand what went wrong and how to fix something.

Understand: Not many people are fortunate enough to have the understanding that they require around certain situations, acts or reactions. This is normal. Usually there is not the space to gain total understanding, but here is always the space to ask questions and get answers. You deserve answers. Regardless of the situation, a failed job interview, promotion, relationship or friendship. You have the right to ask the questions that you need to understand.

Accept: Once you have achieved understanding, this is when you need to work towards accepting the situation for what it is. Denial is a perfectly normal reaction to a bad situation, especially an unexpected one. It is fine. You are allowed to go through that. But once the denial is over, and with the understanding that you have achieved – acceptance will come. It will be difficult at first. You will always go back in your mind to what could have been, especially if love is involved. Acceptance comes in a second. It takes its time to reach you, but when it does come, it comes quickly.

Forgive: Once you have gained understanding and achieved acceptance, you are ready to forgive. Forgiveness of yourself, for the role you played in your failed venture or ambition or relationship, forgiveness of the person that may have declined the promotion etc. I always find that forgiving others is much easier than forgiving yourself – because forgiving yourself means having to accept your actions and flaws that caused your life discomfort – most people are willing to do that (Lesson 4). Once you have gained the level of self-forgiveness, only then will you be ready for what comes next.

Let go: The act of letting go is such a challenging thing – there is not formula, there is no quick fix. It takes time. Pain lingers. Emotions linger. They are strong. If you are in control of them (Lesson 3) it does make it easier. I have not gotten jobs that I felt like I was meant for, I have lost my one love also. I have felt the pain – I have gone through the darkness. Letting go was always the most challenging step. Then you have let go. I found that prayer was my act of letting go – I prayed daily or even hourly, giving this moment or vision to God to take for me. I let it go to a higher power. I had to let go, knowing that God has a much bigger plan for me, and just perhaps it includes a job I have yet to see available, or a friend that adds more value to my life, or perhaps a love that I cannot even imaging now – or perhaps the same love in with a difference. I have to believe and let go. Once you reach a point where you can give that pain, that image and vision up to a higher power than yourself, where you can be truly happy for another (eg. if they got the job you applied for etc) and feel true happiness for them, then you have let go. Keep at it – it is not easy. Allow the tears. Allow the pain. It is normal.

Change: This is probably the most crucial part of this lesson learned. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results - Albert Einstein. Once you have understood, accepted, forgave and finally let go – you have to change. You have to accept your flaws, your contributions to your life (Lesson 4) and it’s current state – the training you lacked for that position, the friend you never had time for, the lover that left – you have to change. For the good of yourself. If you do not, you will continue on the same path as before, doing the same actions over and over, applying for the same job that you are not qualified for and getting disappointed each time.

A difficult lesson to learn, a time consuming journey to discover – but the results are greater than any treasure. Let go, change, and you will receive.

Lesson 4 – Active participant

“In this world there are many things that you cannot control, what you can control and what you can change is how you react to it.”

As children, we are spectators to our lives. We get given clothes, we get told what to do, what to eat, who our friends are – all by our parents who know better. We are absolved of responsibility. If something goes wrong, then we have our parents to blame, because they made the decision for us.

Yet as we grow older, and we are given more responsibility, we become drivers in our lives – we try and find excuses and others to blame when something goes wrong. How can we otherwise, we have always had someone else to blame for our mistakes. It is very easy and comfortable to shift blame for something that has gone wrong – because then we are not responsible and don’t have to be accountable.

I recently listened to an audio book series called “No Excuses!” by Brian Tracy, where he speaks about taking responsibility for your life, for the mistakes you make. He allows you to see that you are an active participant in every step you take, every decision you make and every good or bad outcome from those decisions. For everything, good or bad, that happens in your life, you have a level of responsibility to accept and own and a change to make within yourself.

He does go on to clarify, that you cannot take full and sole responsibility for everything that is happening in your life, in particular the painful experiences. That is not fair on you as a person, as you are not 100% responsible for everything that may happen to you. You as person has to understand the situation, the cause and effect, and be self-aware and mature enough to take accountability for the role that you played in that. You cannot be expected to take any more responsibility than what is yours.

For every moment of pain caused, or pain caused to another. Joy experienced or given to another. You have actively participated in that pain. You have played a roll. You have to accept that. Learn from it. Grow. Make yourself better. It is so easy to try and justify your actions or blame others or situations for your actions, particularly the unpleasant ones, but ultimately, you bare some of the responsibility. Be grown up and accept it, change it. Control what you can control.

When I was faced with my biggest fear (Lesson 1), I had to take a good look and accept the responsibility for the role that I played in that – and apologize for my actions that caused hurt and contributed to the breakup. Which I did. It created a feeling of freedom and control in my own life, something that cannot be bought or lent from another – true self-acceptance and responsibility.

I have been an active participant in the creation of my life up to this point. There is no-one else to blame, no-one else who is responsible, no past that has dictated (Lesson 2). It is all me, every action and reaction to every situation has all been in my control all along.

I have to understand the actions and reactions. The cause and effect. I have to be responsible for my life. 

It is the only way to grow.

Lesson 3 – Feel with purpose

I am a very difficult man, very emotional and sometime irrational as a result, yet can be ruthlessly logical. I am a difficult man to understand and figure out.

One of life challenges have been to understand how I can be so emotional, and more importantly, how do I STOP being so emotional and replace with the logical person. The world, my family and partner never seemed to like the emotional side of myself, and only now I understand why. It is difficult to deal with someone who is highly emotional and irrational and then 3 hours later a person who is so logical, it is confusing – it must be so frustrating.

I have done some research, asked some questions and received the best advice from one of my closest friends – “Feel with purpose.”

I am an emotional person, I am also a creative person that relies on emotion to do the best work. It is who I am, it is part of my God given gifts. But it hurts and confuses people close to me, so it can’t be right – and it isn’t right, however, when you start feeling with a purpose it becomes easier and you become less irrational and more logical instantly.

Let me explain:

If I am angry, at someone or a situation, there is no point in denying myself that emotion – it is there already. When I deny that emotion and don’t feel it, then it will come back at a later stage to come and haunt me and I will end up bringing up pain from the past. That isn’t good. If I allow myself to feel that anger, and immediately try and understand why I feel that way, how I responsible and who else has played a hand, discuss it with that person (or friend/partner if it is a situation) and let it go, then it is over. If I allow myself to feel the emotion, strongly – accept it, understand it, clarify/express it, then let it go, it has a very short lifespan and causes much less hurt.

If I allow myself to feel with a purpose – that being to understand the cause of the emotion, regardless of being a good or bad feeling – I have control over that emotion entirely. I have the knowledge to control my actions or reactions. When I feel with purpose I activate my logic brain in conjunction with the emotional brain.

Emotions cannot be explained, they are emotions. They are a mental state. That being said, you can understand the cause of emotional responses – which you have control over. Understanding the cause of emotional states, happy or sad, gives you control over that emotional state and allows you to act and react in the best possible way. Then you can let go what emotions you do not want to feel.

Allow yourself to feel – if you feel love – allow it. Understand where that love comes from and why you are still feeling it – then act on that. If you are sad, understand why, take responsibility, and act. Then let go. Understanding and taking responsibility for your reactions and actions to an emotion is a strong feeling of control.

Allow yourself to feel. Give yourself the room to feel. Be consumed by an emotion. Just don’t let it control you. You are in control, always.

Lesson 2 – You are not your past

“You are not your past, you are not all the things that have happened to you – You are the possibility of what can be.” – Oprah

Often in my life I have fallen back to my safety blanket, my justification for my current actions – my past. My childhood, my parents, my old pains and experiences, how could these things not have an impact on my life and the way I am living my life now? They don’t.

What I have learned is that you are only the experiences and lessons that you chose to learn from your past, nothing more. Your current life and actions are not dictated by your past, they have no current negative influence in your life, unless you chose that path. Every challenge in your life has come with a lesson, something that you needed to learn, experience and grow. If you chose to focus on the negative or the challenge alone, you have lost the whole purpose of growth.

I have blamed my past for many of my actions in the last many years. The reasons behind my actions that I did not like, that I regretted were quickly justified by my past.

The realization that I made rather painfully, is that I am only the lessons that I chose to learn and the change that I chose to make from my past and past experiences – and if I only chose the negative, or the decisions and actions that go against my belief or my character, then that was my decision. I actively participated in these decisions, in this course of events.

But I am not my past.

I am not my parents failed marriage. I am not my broken home. I am not the tears that fell. I am not the childhood I never had. I am the strength that was there to support a broken mother, I am the strength that supported a broken home to make it whole and I am the tissue that wiped the tears. I am the good lessons learned from a bad experience.

The more I tried to run and hide from my past, the more it seemed to catch up with me – and until I made the conscious decision to understand and learn the lessons from those experiences, they will never go away. They will never be at peace. They will always be the justification for my poor actions and decisions.

I am not my past.

I am not my failed relationship. I am the possibility of what a relationship can be. It is up to me to understand the lessons learned from this horrible experience and to apply them to my life – and not use them as a justification for why I was not the man I should have been in the relationship. My past did not make decisions for me, my past did not take action to hurt my partner, no, but I did – actively. It was all me. The power is within me, the strength is within me to make the changes I need to make so that my past does not play a negative role in my future.

You do not have to be your past, your negative experiences, your pain – you can be the possibility of a future, without the pain, but with much deeper understanding of yourself and the path you need to avoid – it is my strength, it is my life and it is my choice.

I will not be my past.

Lesson 1 – I survived my greatest fear

I have never been afraid of death, scared of growing old or crazy. Not in the least. What my biggest fear was, was to be alone. To lose the man that I love. My biggest fear was to lose my companion. It scared me – this thought alone and I never thought I would survive if that dreaded day was ever to come.

It came. I survived.

For me, the greatest achievement (besides survival) was that I had been forced to face my greatest fear, my crippling and insecurity creating fear of losing this one person that I loved more than anyone on this small planet. I had to face it, I had to live it and process and understand. I survived. Suddenly that fear is no longer a fear, it had become an achievement – my victory of my greatest fear. All of a sudden I find the insecurities driven by the fear, gone. That is the true achievement.

When you face, overcome and survived your greatest fear, the inevitable conclusion to that act is growth. Personal growth. Achievement. Something new inside of you. Every day that you survive, you become someone different, someone staggeringly strong.

A broken heart, a lost job, lover, friend, family member or career opportunity – there is no fear that you cannot overcome and survive, until you are faced with it. There is no point in stressing about events that may not happen, the results of you as a person is not worth it – it causes psychological damage in huge amounts. Facing your greatest fear, is something you can only do when you have the opportunity to face it – and overcome and survive it.

The funny thing about life, and being a believer in God, I understand that time carries on. It ticks away. The seasons come and go, the moon goes through its phases of visibility and daily life continues – always. Your life, my life – it continues mercilessly. You eat when you are hungry, you sleep when you are tired and you work when you need to work. You survive.

There is a great gift wrapped in every challenge, and once you have survived the challenge – you will understand the gift. Focus on that.

A friend recited a great quote today: “My heart might be broken, but I am not”. 

You can survive anything. 

You are strong.

I am strong.

What is the purpose?

In the last few years I have been through a whirlpool of personal change, growth, development, success, failure and sweet inspiration and desperate pain. All through this I have been learning valuable lessons in life. Some acquired easily and rather swiftly, others had to be learned the hard way – with pain and intense self-inspection.

I recently decided to recite those lessons to myself, to keep me focused and on the path that I would like to be on and envision for myself. It is so easy to get lost in the clutter and noise around us, that lessons learned through laughter and tears are easily forgotten.

I have been blessed to have fantastic wisdom, teachers and guidance through my difficult times and realize that not all people are as blessed and fortunate as I have been – if this blog can be their mentor, their silent guidance, I will consider it a personal achievement. My sweet inspiration and guidance came from a variety of sources, friends, family, a partner and God, I cannot take all the credit. Even Oprah has helped me in this journey of my life.

My lessons are just that, my lessons. I do not claim them to be the solution to all things and problems. All people have their own very unique situations with unknown variables. My lessons are based on my life and situation. I just hope that you, the reader, can glean some wisdom from them to assist in your own problems.

May your personal journey be one of discovery and growth, a journey in achieving your own personal potential – to be the best person that you can possibly be, for yourself. Be safe. Be blessed.