Lesson 13 - Five Lessons from Buddha

1. Its Okay to Start Small: “A jug fills drop by drop.”
2. Thoughts Become Things: “All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.”
3. Forgive: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
4. Seek to Understand: “In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves.”
5. Be Thankful: “Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.”

Dear friends, family and loved ones.

There are many lessons to learn. Many paths to take. Many teachers.

Listen to them. Understand them.

Be blessed.

Lesson 12 - Pride before the fall

Pride is defined as: "a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from ones own achievements, the achievements of ones close associates, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired"

This pride is something that is positive and greatly benefits you as a person and your personal self image and viewpoints. Pride is something to strive towards and always maintain a high level of.

In my experience, there is something called "Negative Pride" and I call it for the lack of better wording. Negative pride is often associated with actions that cause harm, the inability to accept feedback of yourself to help you improve, a sense constant sense of being attacked and feelings of superiority in the knowledge you possess. It is the exact opposite of being humble. It is often associated with expression such as "They have too much pride", "I have to protect my pride" etc etc. We all know those lines. 

In my opinion, negative pride is a deadly sin - holding you back from so many things. From the true joy and self fulfilment of being able to understand your flaws and become a better person. Negative pride is what comes before the fall - when you are forced to be humble and accept the flaws and are forced into creating change. Negative pride makes you wait for someone to make the first move, stops you from saying what is on your heart and mind - out of fear of it possible making you seem weak. Negative pride is the mental roadblock to achieving true greatness (Lesson 10).

I have in past months been noticing the negative pride that I have in myself, some confused it with strength. My negative pride has caused many many painful situations with lots of lonely moments, because instead of reaching out for help I would be to proud. Negative pride comes coupled with conclusions, incorrect beliefs and untrue stories then labelled as fact.

Eventually, my negative pride became a negative fall. It was a high fall, with many broken "bones" and egos. The result was someone brought to his knees, all the moments of negative pride becoming moments of shame with apologies that needed to be made. Only then did I regain my positive pride, my real strength - by not hiding from the truth of my mistakes and having the strength to apologize for what I had done and the effects of my actions.

There are two kinds of pride, both good and bad. 'Good pride' represents our dignity and self-respect. 'Bad pride' is the deadly sin of superiority that reeks of conceit and arrogance. - John C. Maxwell

Dear readers, dont let your negative pride stop you from moving towards and opportunity to have positive pride. Do not allow pride to stand between you and greatness, do not allow it to stand between you and a good relationship. Be humble. Show admit you mistakes. Let them go (Lesson 5) and be proud of being someone who has the courage to start again and change your world (Lesson 6).

Lesson 11 - Perseverance

On this road of discovery that I have been on, there is a lesson that I have learned over the time. With many attempts and failures, this lesson came into play. The power of perseverance. The need for perseverance. In this journey I have been on, there are "lets call them things" that I know I want, that I know I need, that I know I am willing to fight for until I cannot anymore. Because that is what want, and my perseverance is my dedication.

Now there have been many times that I have been told to let go or give up, and yes, perhaps I should have by now - but my knowledge is my own. My battles are my own. When I no longer have fight left, and have tried what I can do, then and only then will my perseverance stop and I will humble myself to letting go.

This perseverance, is something that must be taken through all of life. If you want to climb a mountain, and have you mind set on it - you have to persevere and carry on, try and try again, keep training until you succeed. If you do not succeed, do not give up. Go back and try again. The same can be said for your ideal job, for your dream car, for your husband. For anything. To persevere and to not give up is the ultimate of lesson to learn.

You are in control of your own life (Lesson 4) and if you cannot see a failure as a lesson (Lesson 5) and change what you need to change to achieve your goal (Lesson 6) then you will never achieve something you always wanted. Your perseverance will bring you the same failure time and time again. Do things differently, learn from the failed attempts and know what to improve to achieve that goal. Once you have improved all you can, you have done your utter best and become the ideal person for your goal, then let go and give the Universe the chance to give you what you deserve and prepared for.

Perseverance, it is the key to learning, it is the key to understanding your mistakes, the failed attempt only another lesson to learn. Perseverance. If you fail, pick yourself up and try again, and again. Once you have shed enough blood and learned all the lessons - you will either realise that you need to change your goal and it is not what you want, or you will succeed.

Yes my task seems daunting, yes it feels like I cannot win - but I will not let my failures get in the way of trying again. I know what I want and deserve and I will pursue it until I decide different. I am not afraid of failure or hurt anymore. I am infinitely strong. How strong are you?

You cannot let the fear of failure stop you from trying again.

Lesson 10 - You are what you believe

In a path of learning and self-development, I have come across a truth that everyone seems to be agreeing on. Your thoughts are what you become. What you believe is your reality. You are what you believe...

I gave this a lot of thought, paying particular attention to my own thoughts, which eventually became my actions. What I found, and what my friends found when I asked them to do the exercise, is that their patterns of thinking had become negative.

It is such a shocking truth that I had to face about myself. In not controlling my thoughts, allowing insecurities and negativities to become my thoughts, I started to believe things about myself that I could barely stomach. Driving me to an even worse reality that was exactly the opposite of what I was trying to achieve.

No, I am not a horrible person in fact, not a failure and yes I am good enough for this world and all the blessings in it.

When I started paying more attention to my random thoughts, and moments when my head would go on a rant, I saw the pattern of thoughts that I had become involved in. When I started noticing these patterns, I would change them by will, forcing my mind to go to something positive about a situation or person. The result was staggering - over a space of a few weeks, I had managed to change my thought patterns to a largely more positive pattern, and believing the more positive aspects in every situation. Suddenly my insecurities had diminished and some of its power removed (more on that later tho), and I felt forgiveness, peace and love and the days became better and better.

In choosing to think only good things, learning from the negative and moving on, I became a better person by default. It is liberating. Self-esteem increases, confidence, environment and general attitude becomes different. You attract these positive moments that you believe and think and feel.

The question that I ask of you, have you ever monitored your thoughts and seen the pattern?
Do you believe only the best about yourself?
Can you forgive and let go?
Who is in control of your thoughts?

You are what you believe…

Lesson 9 - Letter to yourself

In recent months I have been faced with a lot of personal trauma and crisis. The very fabric of my being has was put into question, the man that I believed I was. I had been receiving input from someone who I loved and valued their opinion. Was I truly that broken? That I had become toxic and unhealthy to the myself and the world around me? Was this the man I had become?

During this turbulent time, trying to understand who and what I am, where I want to be and how I want to get there, I had to rebuilt my perceptions. But it was difficult. I was being challenged in a big way - I could not figure out how I am supposed to understand who and what I am?

My guru suggested that I write myself a letter, from myself to myself. My instruction was to put my pride on the line, put my ego on the line, forget what I believed and just write. I must be honest enough to admit my mistakes, to take responsibility for my actions, accept no excuses and be open to the possibility of change. This was a daunting task for me. I had never written myself a letter if I must be honest, not like this, notes yes, but never a full on letter.

I love writing and believe in the power of writing, but writing to someone else or to God is easy. But when you write to yourself it is a whole different ballgame. So I lit a candle and started writing - and it went slowly at first. Then I started getting into the grove of things, and understanding this task I have been given. I thanked myself for the good things that I have done for myself, and how blessed I am, however, I had to admit my mistakes. Each one. As I wrote it and allowed my mind to flow, I wrote more and more and saw what I think about myself and where I truly am in my life.

As painful as this experience was there was also something very liberating about being that brutally honest to myself. Because if you cannot be honest to yourself, who can you be honest too? "If you have a complete inability to even be honest to yourself, then you have a much deeper problem that you think" my guru told me. Such a simple truth.

Dear readers and friends, if you find yourself in that position in life - where you feel like you have this storm inside your head, that you just cannot figure out who or what you are, or just to understand how you actually see yourself - write yourself a letter. It is such an amazing experience. Admitting your flaws to yourself, your mistakes and issues, is the first step in understanding them and creating the change for the better.

This act of writing enables you to become a mirror for yourself. Is there any better lesson to learn in life than to know your flaws and truly understand how you see yourself and be able to become the person that you want to be seen as? It is liberation and freedom on such a massive level.

Lesson 8 - Tears water you soul

Being an emotional person, and growing up in a house hold where emotions were encouraged – I learned the true power of crying early in my life. Tears of joy and tears of sadness – even tears from cutting onions. There is a release that comes with crying, it is a silent trigger that allows your soul to let go of what is causing hurt and pain and to process and deal. It is a magical thing.

Yes it makes your eyes all red, and your cheeks puffy, but when you have done crying over the pain, the smile that follows is possibly the brightest. Never in my life have I experienced pain and hurt like the last few months, and I promise you, the tears that I have cried, the drops of precious liquid that fell to the floor is what gave me strength. My tears said something that my heart was feeling, it expressed something I could not write down.

In heartache, disappointment or love – tears prove to you, what your intentions are. What your heart is really about, and if fighting for what you want is really worth it. If you do not shed a tear at a bitter disappointment or heartache, then you know that you did not truly invest yourself - it is the barometer of emotional commitment. “Laughter gives you a reason to hope. Tears give you a reason to fight.”

Never be ashamed to cry. Never hold back the tears that are at the edge of release. You are doing yourself a big injustice. Those tears speak messages, they are the expressions of the soul. They should never be denied or ignored. They are pure and blessed. Each drop is a gift. Cry until you are done, cry until there are no more tears for that moment – then you know that you have released a part of the sadness and pain. When you are ready, cry again – over and over, until nothing but laughter remains. Then you will be free from the hurt and pain (Lesson 5).

“Do not try to approach God with your thinking mind. It may only stimulate your intellectual ideas, activities, and beliefs. Try to approach God with your crying heart. It will awaken your soulful, spiritual consciousness”. - Sri Chinmoy

Happy tears on the reverse is possibly the greatest expression of joy and happiness. Laughter that becomes tears of absolute elation. These are very rare and often unseen, but when they do happen hey, embrace it, cry without shame at the sheer overwhelming feeling of joy you are experiencing. The happiness that fills your heart and fulfills your soul.

Dear reader, I believe in the power of my tears, the power of my emotion and feelings, feel with purpose (Lesson 3), never use tears as a weapon and never see tears as weakness or emotional abuse. Understand the words that the heart and soul are saying with each tear.

I have found that often a seed of love gets waters by the tears of the soul.

Lesson 7 – Take care of yourself

We have all heard the expression, “I will take care of you, if you take care of me”. It’s a lovely expression that fills the heart with bubbles and happiness because it just sounds like that is how it is meant to be. Finding someone in the context of a relationship and love who will take care of you sounds marvelous, it is however, completely incorrect.

For the duration of my previous relationship, my partner always said that we have to make sure that we are 100% so that we can give 100%. In my mind, I always thought that giving 100% was me being 100%. Regardless of the situation or my state of being, if I have 100% then I was operating at that level. How terribly wrong of me, a big mistake and assumption to make.

My dearest friend and mentor put what my partner was saying, into such sharp perspective, “I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.” That is when I got the message that my partner at the time was trying to tell me. The proverbial penny dropped and my mind opened up to the lesson. If I take care of myself, handling work, family commitment, finical commitments and life admin, if I can get those items managed and taken care of to the best of my ability, then I will not be bringing any stress or distraction into my relationship and have the time and energy to focus as close to 120% as I can to that dynamic, to combined goals and aspirations – to making us a better functioning and loving unit.

What is the point of rushing home early from work, only to be stressed the whole evening about a deadline that you need to deliver tomorrow? Will your partner not appreciate and understand if you put those extra 2 hours in that evening and spend time with him/her without that invisible pressure and force on you? I believe so. I never understood that until recently. The same applies for the individuals passions and hobbies, their alone time where they can do the activities that they enjoy or spend time with their friends. I get it now. Finally.

Another mistake I made, to my own detriment was to not share my personal struggles with my partner and even friends or family. Because they were my issues and challenges, I chose to be quite and internalize, to prove to myself that I can handle it myself. The result of which was me being lost in my head, with my friends asking why I am so quiet and isolating myself and with my partnering having insecurities because I am not myself. Sharing your problems, talking about them, vocalizing them, is part of taking care of yourself. To share a problem with someone you love, not expecting an answer or help, just for them to listen, can help in itself. Your loved ones will understand what you are going through and have more sympathy and empathy for your situation, and will change their actions and behaviours accordingly - to make it easier for you.

Throughout my research of this particular lesson, there is a common pitfall that I have discovered – when you focus so much on taking care of yourself, that you forget you have a partner who needs you too. Apparently this is common, and usually ends in some form of hurt. There is a fine line to tread, between taking care of yourself and focusing entirely on yourself and still compromising and sacrificing what you need for the better of your partner. The quote reads, “Every now and then, you must willingly cancel your plans, adapt your needs – to make sure that you are there for your loved ones. If you are not able to identify that need, you are not interested in the wellbeing of your partner. They need you as you need them.” That is very true isn’t it, if you focus entirely on yourself and taking care of only yourself, then you will lose interest in others, friends, family or loved ones – even your children. You need to see, understand and feel the needs of those who need you and adapt accordingly.

The way I gather it – is finding common releases with friends, family or partner. Something that you can do together, that fulfils both souls and needs for release and bonding. Go to a museum together, go for cooking classes or even go for a hike, watch a movie or even lay in bed late and talk.

A distraction from the distractions in life.

Give to yourself as you give to others.

“I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.”